


In Which John Egbert Gets Ridiculously Bothered

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-14
Updated: 2012-05-14
Packaged: 2017-11-05 09:25:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/404822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When John's childhood internet friend Dave Strider shows up at his house, he's in for an unexpected surprise.</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Which John Egbert Gets Ridiculously Bothered

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kiriosaurus](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiriosaurus/gifts).



> This was for an ask on my tumblr. I should go finish the next chapter of To Live for Life and stop wasting my time. TT.TT
> 
> Anyways, I hope you enjoy this silly one-shot. An AU. The game never took place.
> 
> Also, please forgive me. I can't write Dave, fem! or not. OTZ

TG: hey

EB: oh hey dave! what's up? i haven't heard from you in a while. i was wondering if you were sick or something! :(

TG: no ive just been pretty busy recently 

TG: you know us striders got so much shit all up in our apartment it took us forever to get everything settled

EB: Wait what? what are you talking about?

TG: bro and i had to move

EB: huh? why?!

TG: long story

TG: but

TG: we kind of moved to washington

EG: WHAT?!

TG: oh and im standing outside of your house all alone like a fairy princess direly awaiting the dramatic arrival of her heroic prince and all that other bullshit you can possibly think of

John’s jaw dropped and he leapt out of his chair, running to press his face against his window. Sure enough a figure in a red hoodie stood in his driveway, pale face upturned, shades glinting in the afternoon sun.

“Dave!” He spun around and ran down the stairs two steps at a time, practically flying to the front door and flinging it wide open. “Holy shit, you’re actually here!” He stared open mouthed at the teenage girl.

Dave cocked her head, her face expressionless. “Well don’t piss yourself, Egderp.” She slowly walked forward, stopping a foot or so away. She jerked her chin slightly. “Hey.”

“Daaave!” John threw his arms around her, and she grunted in acknowledgment. “I haven’t seen you for two years!! I can’t believe we’re already seniors in high school! It’s like we were 16 just yesterday or something!”

“Yeah and you still act like you’re in kindergarten.” She snorted. “Even to the point you still call me that stupid nickname.”

“It’s not **_my_** fault I thought you were a boy the first time we chatted on pesterchum!” John protested indignantly, releasing her and taking a step back. 

“I guess I was slightly misleading.” Dave scratched her head, slipping her fingers between the locks of her short blonde hair and pushing it away from her face.

“Slightly?! Ha!” John barked a laugh, lightly punching Dave in the shoulder. “I believe you flat out said something like ‘hey dude, my name’s Dave and I’m a motherfuckin badass and will be your worst fuckin nightmare ever so deal with it.’”

Dave raised an eyebrow. “I said no such thing. And if something that ludicrous ever left my fingertips it would be blasphemy in the highest standards. Excluding the badass part.” 

“Haha, shut up! You were, what, 12? You thought you were the shit!” John glanced behind his friend. “Oh hey where’s your bro? He drop you off here?”

“Nah, no need. I walked. We live down the street.”

“No. Fucking. Way! Holy shit, man! That’s amazing!” John’s eyes sparkled and he grabbed Dave’s sleeve.

“Okay, okay, calm your tits.” She flicked his hand away. “Are you gonna just let me stand out here all day? Seems rude to leave the friend you adore like your first puppy hanging around on your front step like so many abandoned babies.”

“Dave! That’s mean! Don’t be an asshole about abandoned babies.” He glared at her, his face twisting angrily.

Dave raised her hands in surrender. “Sorry, gog. Don’t get your panties in a knot. I was dumped on my bro’s front steps too you know. I don’t know where the fuck my parents are, as much as you don’t have a fucking clue where your mom scampered off too. At least you have a real dad. I mean, Bro’s not all bad and shit, but I guess every now and then—” She broke off, shaking her head. “Never mind. This conversation is stupid.”

John glanced to the side, rubbing his arm. “Sorry. Y-you can come in.” He stepped aside and Dave sauntered past him.

“Hasn’t changed much. Still those harlequins all over shit. I bet Betty Crocker still fills the essence of the kitchen as well.”

John groaned. “Don’t even mention it. If you want some cookies, PLEASE let me know.”

“I’m cool. Had some cheetos before I came over.” She started up the steps.

“U-uh where are you going?” John swallowed, feeling heat creeping across his face.

Dave didn’t even glance behind her. “Your room, dumbshit. Where else would I be going?”

“H-hey! Dad said no girls allowed in there! Especially while he’s at work!” He scampered after her, bursting into his living quarters to find her already lounging on his bed.

“Get off that!” John protested, slapping her stomach. She didn’t even flinch.

“Dude, what’s the big deal? I can totally see you fucking me into oblivion as I writhe in my puddle of sweat and tears. And since you can’t see it I’m rolling my eyes.” 

“D-Dave!” John covered his mouth with the back of his hand, his whole face flushed.

Dave sat up, a cat-like smirk suddenly spreading across her face. “Oh? Does that get you all hot and bothered, Mr. Egbert?”

“N-N-NO! Of course not!” His eyes fell on the floor, the ceiling, his computer, anywhere but her.

“Oh really, _John_.” She practically purred, leaning forward and tugging on the base of his t-shirt.

He squeaked and sprang away. “Don’t do that!” He breathed in little pants, sweat dripping down his cheek.

“Aw, how precious. I had no idea the little Egbert was so into me. Honestly I figured you were gay.” Dave stood and prowled forward, backing him into a wall. She trapped him there with her hands firmly planted on either side of him. She was only about an inch taller, but she still managed to leer over him.

John unconsciously wet his lips, feeling his palms grow clammy. “U-uh D-Dad’s not here so—OH SHIT THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT!” He gasped as Dave’s mouth descended on his throat.

“What did you mean then, Egbert?” Dave asked as she kissed up his neck, her tongue sliding across the shell of his ear before she nipped at the lobe. 

“I-I-uhhh….” John gasped and shuddered, his eyes glazing. 

Dave let out a ghost of a laugh, her breath tickling the skin at the nape of his neck. “You’re positively adorable when you’re turned on.” She brought her knee forward and kneaded it against the growing bulge in his pants. 

“D-DAVE!” John’s hands sprang up and locked on her shoulders as a violent spasm rocked him. “P-please!”

“Please what?” Dave leaned in more, increasing the pressure.

“A-ah!” John bit his lip, his cheeks burnt red. “I-I was t-trying to tell you that D-dad g-gets home s-soon! REALLY soon!” He choked out, his eyelids fluttering open and closed. 

Dave’s head snapped around right as the sound of footsteps could be heard down the hall. 

“John? Are you alright, son?” His father called as he came closer to his room. Dave instantly darted away, and John sank to the ground, tugging his knees to his chin. The moment after Dave plopped in his computer chair his Dad appeared in the doorway. 

“Dawn!” He looked surprised. “What are you doing here? And why is John in the floor?”

“Oh. Reasons.” Dave flashed John’s Dad a winning smile. 


End file.
